Who am I??

A question that is seldom answered with full sincerity. A question that scares many, but those who find an answer are called - "The Enlightened Ones." 

I often think about this question day in and day out. Living in the city makes be an observer by default. Knowingly unknowingly we all are observers. Sometimes it is a conscious action but most of the time we do it subconsciously. Our rational mind would like to define each action as good, bad, right, wrong, good, evil etc. based on the conditioning happening over the years that we grew up. We learn to do so observing the people around us. Thus we start defining our belief system (which is actually the perception and reaction of others, not even ours!!) 

So today again I ask myself the same question "WHO AM I?"

Belief created over the years - 

I am a good girl. I do not do any wrong to anybody. If I do something that is not as per others belief then - 

I am wrong. 

I am bad. 

I am a rebel. 

I am fiercely independent. 

I am emotionless. 

I am selfish 

and the list continues.....

So, I am good only when people call me good. Hence sometimes I do certain things so that people can appreciate my good gesture and thus give me a validation certificate. Somebody else's good becomes my good and vice versa (shuddering!!)

- I suppress my wishes, because if I think about my needs, I become selfish - BAD

- I suppress my anger, because if I express it my not so good side (bad temper) will be out in public - BAD

- I almost every time say YES when I want to say NO, because saying NO is BAD

- I am made to feel weak and delicate because I am a girl and there should be a masculine figure to make me feel safe & secured - REALLY???

- Inspite of being independent in all areas, I still cannot show or feel the same because by doing so some ego's (sorry most ego's) in the society will be hurt - BAD

But is this really who I am?

Reality check - 

NO.

Off lately I have understood that always being the good girl is not me. Because I mask each and every emotion that I have, just to be validated, accepted, 'fit in' etc. This is the fake me. I don't feel living in my own skin in which I was born.

Over the past few years, I am somewhat successful in spotting the REAL ME & the FAKE ME.

When I was a new born, nobody called me all these names. There were just words like Cute, Sweet, Adorable, Innocent, Awww types. 

Why growing up makes us deprive ourselves of our true nature??? Every time I wear that false MASK, I am denying my inner child to express herself. Result - with each deprivation, the child in me goes into the shell and there comes a point where the child stops speaking to me. By this time, I have lived half my life. 

And then suddenly I hear people talking about "MIDLIFE CRISIS, WHAT AM I DOING? WHERE AM I GOING? WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF MY LIFE?" (which is nothing but silencing the inner child). And then there is a whole new world of finding our own selves (all over again!!!). Its called the Art of Living, Reducing negativity, Becoming more Positive, Seeing good in people......

WOW!!!

There is something wrong somewhere. I have learnt to keep my feelings as my GPS.

The only non deterring thing is my faith in the unknown (God, Universe......?) I have this very strong intrinsic feeling or belief that 'I will not be given something that I cannot handle.' And this keeps me going.

So I welcome all of you to ask yourself and get your own unique answer to:

"WHO AM I?"